Voice Over: Ladies and gentlement, put your hands together for the guest host and THE HOST of Chaz's Corner... CHAZ MANSON!!!
["The Game" by Disturbed hits the speakers of the small studio as the camera focuses directly on the large desk. Chaz Manson comes out from behind a curtain, in full HWF apparel. Chaz puts his hand up to acknowledge the crowd as he jumps up to the platform where the desk sits, and sits down behind the desk.]
Chaz: Hello, hello! And WELCOME TO CHAZ'S CORNER! The beloved commissioner of the HWF, Shawn Collins has caught the flu this week and isn't able to be here.. YES!
[Crowd laughs a little.]
Chaz: Nah, I ain't that mean.. The bastard is stuck up but what can you do? Watch this clip, that's what.
[A handheld video camera is the host of this bit of footage as we see the screen shake ever so often, as to be expected. The camera raises up to see the outside of a store, the name 'Toys 'R Us" etched in colorful lettering above the front glass window. The sun is just coming up and fog covers the store. In front of the camera is a long row of tents, chairs, sleeping bags, and blankets where tons of people have slept out to get a Playstation 2, just released. The voice of Chaz Manson, our ameteur cameraman & resident HWF president, booms in.]
Chaz: *with a slight shiver* What in the hell is wrong with these people!? It's a frickin' video game! Ah, whatever...
[Chaz turns the video camera around to film himself. Chaz is dressed in heavy jeans and a black, Adidas sweat shirt with a silver chain around his neck. He has a black NY Yankees hat on his head, and begins to speak.]
Chaz: Ok, CC fans. As honorary host of this show, I figured I needed some cool segments.. Well, never fear. I heard all this rumble over this Playstation 2 thing coming out in, oh..
[Looking at his watch]
Chaz: 3 minutes... So, as always, our society's stand outs have lined this sidewalk, sleeping out to get this thing... Don't tell them there'll be so many Playstation 2's come December 26, they would hurt you.
Now, for this season, the Playstation 2 is THE gift. As in years past, items such as "Tickle Me Elmo," "Sleep and Snore Ernie," and "Piss and Puke Pete" have been the biggest thing since cheese in a bottle. Parents fight like they're in a Toughman Championship to get these hot items... Don't ask me why, because I am stumped shitless as that answer...
All I know about the situation is this: In 90 seconds, about one hundred and fifty over-weight, Oprah-worshipping, soccer moms and dead beat dad's, trying to make up for 17 years of drunken ignorance with a 400 dollar video game console, are going to rush into this local Toys 'R Us like they're in the "Running of the Bulls" to get this thing... and I.. I will document the situation and try to pick one of them babies for myself.
This, my friends... is Chaz's Corner.
[The men and women in line begin to line up and crowd near the door as the poor 16 year old kid inside waits to unlock the door and be trampled by tons of parents.]
Crowd of Parents: TEN! NINE! EIGHT! SEVEN! SIX!
Chaz: Here we go!
Crowd of Parents: FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE!
[A loud bell goes off as the doors are unlocked, allowing a flood rush of parents into the store. Chaz takes off running towards the door, the camera just a shaking view of the sidewalk.]
[Fast forwarding into the store's security camera, we see the first few moms and dads rushing past the model cars and board games, rushing to the back of the store-- ELECTRONICS. Chaz is about in the middle of the pack, not sprinting there like the first few. An unlucky few are thrown through display racks of Gift Certificates, but the unluckiest is the poor kid manning the door... At least Toys 'R Us has a good insurance plan.]
[The security cam overhead the electronics department sees the first woman dive on her stomach into the shelf of PS2's. Ironically, she knocks herself out on the steel shelf, apparently letting the rush clog her senses. Four or five men and women swarm the shelf and grab a system for themselves and turn to leave but are trampled by the next wave of customers. Chaz is among these few, as he easily takes a PS2 from the shelf. From behind, a large near-bald man in plaid knocks Chaz forward into the shelf of games and controllers, causing the PS2 to fall to the floor. The man picks up his prize but is too soon to celebrate, evidently not realizing his foe is a professional wrestler. Chaz comes out of nowhere and spears the man through the cardboard set up of Final Fantasy games, laying the punches to him.]
[A few obscenities are spewed but nothing to important, as Chaz grabs the guy and pulls him to his feet. Chaz kicks the man in the groin and gets him in a standing head scissors. Chaz picks the guy vertical and cradles one leg and drops the guy with a cradle piledriver onto the PS2 box!]
[Chaz grabs the PS2 and holds it up in the air in a Kurt Angle-esque celebration as we fade back into the studio.]
[Behind the desk, Chaz Manson sits. The PS2 box is on the desk, as is the PS2 system. A TV next to the desk is connected to the gaming system, which is... well... how any thing made out of a hard plastic material. Busted and broken. Chaz holds the controller in his hand, trying to get something to come up on the TV. He then turns to the camera.]
Chaz: I don't care what Sony says.. this thing is a piece of crap!
[Chaz smiles as we go to a commercial.]
[Commercial]
Chaz: OK, we're back.. Now, we don't have much else planned for the show. It's quite a quick show, due to the lack of planning on my part. *smirks* We were rushed to find a musical guest to come... Only Milly Vanilly were able to play and you'd better thank me RIGHT NOW for finding someone else!
[Crowd laughs]
Chaz: So, without further ado, I give you Grandpa Stanley and Ranger Rickels!
[The camera switches to the performing stage where an old man in a top hat and checkered clothing sits on a stool with a ventriliquist's doll on his lap.]
Stanley: Hello everyone! Say "hello," Rickels.
Rickels: *sounding a lot like Grandpa Stanley with a higher voice* Hello.
Stanley: Don't you think this Canadian town is nifty?
Rickels: *again, oddly like Stanley* It's like Seattle on heroin.
[The crowd laughs a little but isn't so happy with bashing of their town.]
Stanley: Rickels! Enough of that!
Rickels: Canada isn't that great either... I mean, do you people even HAVE a military?! You're like the annoying friend who tries to hide behind the shadows!
[Boos]
Stanley: Rickels!
[Chaz Manson comes into the scene.]
Chaz: What the HELL is your problem?!
Rickels: What?
[Chaz grabs Rickels by the head and rips him from the arms of Stanley, throwing the doll into the crowd. Chaz grabs Stanley by the collar and pulls him up off the stool. Chaz knees Stanley in the groin and grabs him in a modified headlock and hits the Chaz Cutter on the stage. Chaz gets up and stares into the camera.]
Chaz: We'll be right back!
[Commercials]
[Chaz is back at his desk.]
Chaz: We're back and before we go, lets go through my "picks" of the week.
Wrestlers of the Week: Jayson Starr & Phoenix
Match of the Week: Phoenix vs. Vic Williams
Song of the Week: "Down With the Sickness" by Disturbed
Show of the Week: Jackass
Promo of the Week: Michael Trey's "Last Man Standing"
Hum-Dinger of the Decade: Why can't you fit your hand into a Pringles can?
And finally, before I go.. A joke to pass along.
What do lesbians do when they're on their period?
FINGER PAINT
["The Game" by Disturbed hits again as Chaz waves to the camera, bringing Chaz's Corner to a close.]