September 20, 2000
Voice Over: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, please welcome the host of Commissioner’s Corner – Your Canadian Commissioner, Shawn Collins!
[The crowd cheers and Shawn Collins comes out of a room and sits at his desk. He is wearing a red suit, with a white shirt and red tie. He adjusts the tie, takes off his red sunglasses, and smiles for the camera. More cheers come out of the audience.]
Shawn Collins: What’s up Toronto?!
[Cheap pop… usual stuff.]
Shawn: Welcome to my show, Commissioner’s Corner! I’ll be strutting my stuff with guests, previews, interviews, phone calls, emails, letters… hell, the whole shiznit! Tonight, we have joining us, my good friend… you might recognize him from the BAWF… Killroy Jenkins!
[Most of the crowd members here in Toronto have followed Shawn Collins’ career so they cheer for the name Killroy Jenkins, as they recognize it.]
Shawn: Now, for those of you watching who don’t know who I am, allow me to introduce myself. I am the Commissioner of the Hardcore Wrestling Federation. I am also a wrestler. I made my debut as “Hades” in the EWWF. Over there, a good friend, John Jupiter, taught me the ropes and made me the wrestler I am today. During my time in the EWWF, I joined Extream’s 4-man faction – The Elite with Extream, The Canadian Kid and Bricklayer. The Canadian Kid and I then won the tag team championship, and it stayed that way until the federation shut down. I was out looking for a job after that. I joined several promotions that quickly died. Then I found a federation named the BAWF. In March 2000, I made my debut there, and have been wrestling ever since. During my time there, I have won the Tag Team titles, the Intercontinental title, and I am currently the World Heavyweight Champion of the BAWF. Since the BAWF was just a small promotion, I decided I needed another job to support myself. So, I looked up the HWF and applied for the Commissioner position. Due to my previous history with Chaz and the HWF/EWWF promotions, and my obvious charming personality traits…
[Shawn flashes a smile to which the audience reacts laughingly to.]
Shawn: …I got the job, and have been here for almost 2 months now. That’s a summary of my story! But enough about me… we got DMX and Sisqo here tonight!
[The crowd goes wild for DMX.]
Shawn: We’ll be right back!
[Commercial: Typical “Obey Your Thirst” Commercial From Our Sponsor, Sprite.]
Shawn: Alright, welcome back! My first guest tonight will be a man I’ve had a whole lot of history with. Those of you who have followed my career might recognize him. Straight from the heart of Toronto, one of my better friends throughout my career – Killroy Jenkins!
[A mixed reaction from the audience, but mostly a chorus of cheers. Killroy comes out in a suit that matches Collins’, but in white. The two men point at each other and laugh. Killroy takes a seat next to Shawn’s desk.]
Shawn: You’ve got good taste… nice suit!
Killroy: Yeah, ditto. Next time, don’t make it so obvious when you’re following my ass to the tux rental place. I saw you trailing behind me in your Audi TT. You never did have much taste when it came to clothing. Always needing someone to pick out your clothes.
[The audience gives a few chuckles, and Shawn just smiles. He adjusts his tie, and retorts.]
Shawn: You may be the better dresser… but when it comes to the more important things in life – like chicks, wrestling and entertainment, I take the cake baby! Nobody gets the crowd as riled up as ‘Mr. Showtime’ does!
Killroy: You always were a cocky motherfucker, Shawn! I’m surprised that hasn’t taken you down yet.
Shawn: That’s cause I got the brawn to back up the brains!
[Shawn flexes for another pop. Killroy laughs.]
Killroy: Brains? You mean hormones?
Shawn: Alright, shaddap! Now, I got a question that most of these people would want an answer to… are you ever going to get back in the squared circle?
Killroy: Well… that’s a tough question. I think I’ll leave it up to the doctors to answer. Ever since my last stint in a promotion, I’ve broken a lot of bones… and have been injured countless amounts of times. After my last concussion, my doctor told me to quit. I guess I’ve been listening ever since. I don’t wanna go into a coma, now do I? I guess I’ll make one last appearance in the ring one day, but not any time soon.
Shawn: Well, you’ve been keeping up with the HWF ever since I became the Commissioner and even before. Who would you say is your favorite wrestler?
Killroy: It WAS Frank Rizzo… that man was goddamn hilarious! I guess I’d have to say Gavin Coens or Blake Frost. Gavin is just a great Canadian trying to do the wrestling business some justice, and he’s doing a good job at that! Blake Frost just freaks me out sometimes! Actually, anyone that’s into them 7 Deadly Sins freaks me out… hell, those sins themselves freak me out! Have you ever seen Seven??
Shawn: Yeah man, good movie… and both those guys are awesome. But not better than me…
Shawn & Killroy: …Obviously!
[Killroy leans back in his chair chuckling, while the audience does the same.]
Killroy: What about you? Who’s your favorite wrestler in the company?
Shawn: You fool… I can’t be biased! Remember? I’m the Commissioner. But now that you mention it… I think I’d have to say Blackjack.
Killroy: Why’s that?
Shawn: Because he’s on my show later on, and I don’t think I’d want any trouble in my studio, now would I?
Killroy: Whether you want it or not… knowing you, it’ll probably happen!
Shawn: Oh yeah, and you’re Mr. Calm, right?
Killroy: Of course… Calm, patient, loving… and single!
[The females in the crowd get a kick out of that one.]
Shawn: Yeaaaah… nice. Ladies, if you want his number, just check your local restaurant’s washroom! Anyways…
[Laughter erupts in the audience.]
Killroy: Really good. Restaurant washroom, eh? Dumbass!
Shawn: ANYWAYS! It’s time for us to check out some letters, phone calls, emails, blah, blah, blah!
Killroy: Good… I always loved this part of Leno… you know, the phone calls!
Shawn: Whaaatever! Let’s look through some of these letters… Abraham Jones says, “Michael Trey is the greatest!” yeah, yeah, yeah… katrina@netcom.com proclaims “It should have been me at the alter with John Justice!” uh huh, yep, sure… Allan Fong says, “Espionage is the greatest tag team ever!” GEEZ! Talk about ‘same old, same old’! Send me something that I haven’t heard before, people! I have another one here from Karla Lentiem that says, “Lance Sterling was the best HWF Champion.” I mean, what ever happened to originality?!
Killroy: Here’s a cool one, Shawn.
Shawn: Read it.
Killroy: icewoman24@marvelnet.net asks, “Shawn Collins, if you could have a wrestling match with any wrestler in the world today, who would it be?”
Shawn: Nice question, Madena. Any wrestler? I guess I’d have to say Hornet… or Johnny Drake. Now, wouldn’t that be a fun pairing? But, it would be purely out of respect, of course! … … …Even though I’d win.
Killroy: I was waiting for that!
Shawn: You knew it was coming!
Killroy: We got a phone call from an anonymous caller!
Shawn: Go ahead.
Anonymous Caller: Listen, Shawn. I’m calling for one reason, and one reason only! At the Pay Per View, you, Chaz and Drake will be calling my match.
Shawn: Good to hear from you. Ladies and gentlemen, ‘Vicious’ Victor Williams is on the phone.
Vic: Yeah… now the reason I’m calling is to bury the hatchet.
Shawn: What do you mean?
Vic: I want you to call my match fairly. And I guess the only reason to do so, is to bury all the shit between us before anything else happens. I want the match to be called fairly.
Shawn: Alright Vic… you keep outta my face, and I’ll call your match fair!
Vic: Well, if that’s all I gotta do… then you got a deal!
Shawn: Alright. Thanks for the call, and good luck to you on Saturday… and at the Pay Per View.
Vic: Whatever.
[The phone hangs up.]
Shawn: Well, we’ve gotta take a break. But we’ll be right back after this short commercial break. Thanks for being with us today, Killroy. Hopefully, you’ll be back for another show!
Killroy: I’d be glad to, man! Peace!
Shawn: We’ll be back.
[As the camera fades out, it turns to see the audience. One fan is holding a sign that says, “Jack Daddy is so sexy!” and another that says, “Canadian Kid is my hero!”]
[Commercial: Commercial for Hardcore Production’s presentation of Saturday Suicide, and the special tag team main event, another commercial for Sprite. And a few other random commercials.]
Shawn: Ladies and gentlemen… DMX and Sisqo!!
[The camera pans to DMX and Sisqo, with their band behind them.]
DMX:
Sisqo:
DMX:
Sisqo:
DMX:
Sisqo [singing over dubbed chrosus]:
Sisqo:
Sisqo:
[Commercial: Hardcore Productions presents Commissioner’s Corner, every Wednesday at 9:00pm Est.; HWF Merchandise presents the new Canadian Kid T-Shirt “I am the true Canadian hero!”]
Shawn: Now, for my second guest: Blackjack!
[Chants of “Blackjack Sucks!” break out. And many boos come from the audience. Blackjack comes out and takes his seat.]
Shawn: Welcome to the first edition of Commissioner's Corner, Blackjack!
Blackjack: Well Collins as much as I hate you and every other motherfucker… can I say that?
Shawn: Oh go ahead... we've got a parental advisory warning anyways!
Blackjack: Like I was saying as much as I would love to throw you and everyone else in the front office into a pit of fire, I am happy to be here!
Shawn: Well, it's good that you're happy to be here. But I wanna know, what the hell is your problem with us VIPs?
Blackjack: You people suck. It’s just that. Chaz is an egocentric motherfucker. He don’t like me and I don’t like him, that’s how it is. He is afraid to have me as a champion here. Look, I was the First Ever Hardcore Champion? Where’s my fucking re-match? It’s been eight months, and I finally get it. Yet Trey gets the belt and he hasn’t been here since I.E. 2K and same with JJ. Chaz favors the two!
Shawn: I wouldn't say Chaz favors anyone. Just as I don't favor anyone, and Drake favors no one. We don't have any bias against the wrestlers... well, I might. But they don't!
Blackjack: Listen here bitch; don’t make me get out of my chair. That little asshole favors JJ and Trey they both give him blowjobs every night. Same with Drake. And you, you will suck, you don’t get sucked!
Shawn: That's quite alright... I don't think anyone here wants you to get out of your chair.
Blackjack: Aight, next question.
Shawn: Well, I'm sure the people here would like to know a little more about Blackjack - The Person. Tell us more about yourself…
Blackjack: Me? Well… as far as you are concerned. You do what I tell you. See these arms. They'll crush your head. Look at you; you’re a wrestler gone bad. Peoples like you piss me off. You cant make it wrestling and you cant bust your ass like myself so you decide to be the "Canadian Comish" rumor has it your not even Canadian. The People wanna know about me? Fuck the people. All they need to know is that I hate them along with you, Chaz, and Drake. You’re all little bitches.
Shawn: You put too much faith into the press. I AM Canadian. And “wrestler gone bad”? I'd be happy to introduce you to the floor, but then I'd be accused of abusing my power, and your body! You really are a stick in the mud aren't you?
[Blackjack gets out of his chair knocking it down, and getting in Shawn’s face.]
Blackjack: Listen here motherfucker. I came here because you asked me and I am a nice guy, I really am. Hurting your puny ass is something I don’t wanna do but if I have to I will. So shut the FUCK up and ask me some Goddamn questions. Jesus Christ. Your head is so far stuck up your ass you have brown shit on your teeth after shitting. Not, as me a God damn question.
[Blackjack takes his seat.]
Shawn: Hey! This is the COMMISSIONERS CORNER! That means my rules, and my way! You want a question? I'll give you a question you can answer: How's Steph?
Blackjack: Commissioners Corner? Fuck this; this is now the Extreme Extremists Corner. IS THAT A FUCKING PROBLEM?
Shawn: Well... yeah, considering I'm getting paid for running this show! But, hey... you didn't answer my question! Hah Hah Hah!
Blackjack: Oh, you wanna talk about Steph. Steph, is the greatest girl a man could have. And I am lucky enough to have her. She’s way better than your how bag at home, if you have one that is. Here goes a question for you... Who the fuck would marry your Canadian ass?
Shawn: No, I don't have a girl at the moment, but thanks for asking. I'm hoping someone could answer that marriage question some time in the near future... but alas, I haven't been so lucky. Although, I am the sexiest commissioner on this side of North America!
Blackjack: Congratulations. I've got the best girl in the World. As far as I am concerned, only how bags are left. And don’t talk to me like I'm your friend, I hate you. Now do what your paid to do and ask a question.
Shawn: Hey! I get paid to put on an entertaining show! Being the most entertaining sports... ENTERTAINER... in North Americ... hell, THE WORLD! Hoe bags? I guess you haven't seen dem French girls, eh? And, Jack, you're not my friend. You are a guest on my show. I'll treat you anyway I want - BITCH!
Blackjack: God damnit, you are a real idiot. You can’t even ask the extreme one a question. How about my Hardcore Title Match? How about just how good I am? How about how the Front Office sucks each other’s penises? Ask away Collins. And no I have no desire to look at the French girls I am an honest and loyal man.
Shawn: Go ahead! Tell me about your Hardcore Title match! What is your opinion? What is your desire? What is your problem with the head office? What is your dog's name? What size bra does Steph wear? What is your hairdresser's phone number? What is the meaning of freeking life?! ANSWER AWAY... OH EXTREME ONE!!
Blackjack: You wanna get sarcastic? I can do that too... My hardcore title match was one of the best matches of my career. Icon just can’t handle this. My desire is the World Title that Chaz is afraid of me holding. My problem with the head office is simple. You are all afraid of me. Each and every one of you are afraid that I might, someway, somehow get a title. My dogs name is Molly. Stephanie's bra size is none of your business. However it is the perfect size for me. And my hairdresser's phone number? Fuck her, its 954-421-4302 What else do you want with the Extreme one?
Shawn: You never told me what the meaning of life is!
Blackjack: You wanna be a fucking smart ass? Huh? Huh?
[Blackjack raises his fist to strike Collins but two men dressed in black HWF shirts hold him back.]
Blackjack: You’re one lucky motherfucker. And bitch, why don’t you try asking a question with a little bit of intelligence?
Shawn: Feisty aren’t we? Well, since I don’t have any real booking power here in the HWF, I can’t do anything for you. But then again, I’d give some four assed fire-breathing monkey a title shot before I gave you one. But that’s only because you called me a smart ass! Now, I’m going to throw out some names of objects or people, and you tell me the first thing that comes to your mind.
Blackjack: A monkey? Alright, you'll get yours Collins. You wait. Not now, maybe not Suicide, but you will.
Shawn: You know what, Blackjack? I am your god. I have the power to make and break heroes. You wanna be broken? I have the power! Don’t start spitting out threats, cause it’ll just lead you to a worse situation than that which you’re in now!
Blackjack: Break me? Chaz has been trying to do that for eight months. But guess what bitch? My contract goes for years and that contract can’t be terminated. So you wanna break me? Go ahead and try.
Shawn: Anyways, back to reality… I’m going to throw out some names of objects or people, and you tell me the first thing that comes to your mind.
Blackjack: Don’t change the subject motherfucker. Chaz is holing me back and you know it. Anyway, go ahead.
Shawn: Lance Sterling.
Blackjack: Lance Sterling? What can I say? Great wrestler, but he’s a pussy. The night of his retirement I was supposed to fight him and kick his ass, he got out of the match by quitting. He’s a puss.
Shawn: The HWF World Champion, Michael Trey.
Blackjack: Not a worthy Champion, I showed his up last Suicide and it seems as if me him have a little match at next Suicide. I'll have to put his ass in its place. I am the Goddamn HWF.
Shawn: I wouldn’t say that… J. Simon Rykopathe?
Blackjack: What do you know? You’re just a stupid Canadian! And, on top of that, I don’t like you. And if you count me out at the PPV, I will be forced to kill you. BUT about Icon… He’s a good cook.
Shawn: We’ll see about that Pay Per View issue… And, I agree that Icon is a good cook! Now, what do you think about that son of a bitch, Vic Williams?
Blackjack: That guy is an emotional wreck. His little hoe bag of a wife died and I am glad she did, I'm just sorry it wasn’t me killing her. He better get his ass in line by Suicide though.
Shawn: Let me get your opinions on Suicide.
Blackjack: Well first off we have these Blackjack wannabes in some battle royal, which I don’t give two shits about. Next is.... fuck it. Let me talk about my match. On one side we have the Extreme Extremist and the man the Extreme Extremist pinned at I.E. 2K. Then we have the so-called World Champ and the cook. My predication is that if Vic can keep himself in line, MY team is gonna win.
Shawn: Alright, well… thank you for your time Blackjack. You best be proud that you were the first guest on Commissioner’s Corner. Now, I’m going to end off Comish’s Corner with my predictions and opinions on Suicide… no, I’m just going to tell you about the only match I’ll be present for: The main event – you, Blackjack with Vic Williams against Mike Trey and The Icon. You better be on your best behavior, cause Commissioner Shawn Collins is gonna be watching both you and Williams that night. As for Williams, I believe we have some unfinished business. Thanks for coming, Blackjack. Now, if you would, get your ass off my studio!
Blackjack: No motherfucker, I think I'll leave when I wanna leave. But, since I made the point I wanted to; you, Drake, and Chaz all suck penis… I shall leave.
[As Blackjack gets up he knocks the papers out of Collins’ hands. Cut to commercial.]
[Commercial: Another Sprite commercial – “Obey Your Thirst!”; Dave Mirra Freestyle BMX for Dreamcast and Playstation.]
Shawn: I’d like to thank Hardcore Productions for making this show possible… and thanks for joining me today for the first edition of Commissioner’s Corner! Now, to end the show off, we’re gonna give you our ‘Best Of The Week’:
Move Of The Week: The Blackjack 21, which is a Sharpshooter Submission Hold.
Match Of The Week: Gavin Coens vs. Blackjack (Saturday Suicide) – Gavin retains Hardcore Title.
Song Of The Week: ‘What These Bitches Want’ by: DMX f/ Sisqo
Movie Of The Week: ‘Dr. Strangelove Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Bomb’
Game Of The Week: Dave Mirra Freestyle BMX for Dreamcast
Anime Of The Week: Escaflowne: The Movie
Shawn: Next week we got special guest, Lance Sterling! See you all then!
[Shawn throws his tie into the crowd, as the show goes off the air.]
Aiyyo!! Dog, I meet bitches, discrete bitches
Street bitches, slash, Cocoa Puff sweet bitches (WHAT?)
Make you wanna eat bitches, but not me
Y'all niggaz eat off the plate all you want but not D (UHH)
I fuck with these hoes from a distance
The instant they start to catch feelings
I start to stealin they shit
then I'm out just like a thief in the night
I sink my teeth in to bite
You thinkin life, I'm thinkin more like - whassup tonight?
Come on ma, you know I got a wife
and even though that pussy tight I'm not gon' jeapordize my life (aight?)
So what is it you want from a nigga? (WHAT?)
I gave you, you gave me - BITCH, I blazed you, you blazed me (c'mon)
Nothin more, nothin less, but you at my door
willin to confess that it's the best you ever tested
Better than all the rest, I'm like, "Aight girlfriend, hold up
I gave you, what you gave me Boo, a nut (f'real)
What these bitches want from a nigga?
What you want.. (what you want)
What these bitches want from a nigga?
Really want..
What these bitches want from a nigga?
I've been keepin you up on it
Bling bling'n, on that jewelry girl I bought it
What these bitches want from a nigga?
Aiyyo, tell me what you want from me
Baby tell me what you want from me!
(So what you want?)
There was Brenda, LaTisha, Linda, Felicia (okay)
Dawn, LeShaun, Ines, and Alicia (ooh)
Teresa, Monica, Sharron, Nicki (uh-huh)
Lisa, Veronica, Karen, Vicky (damn)
Cookies, well I met her in a ice cream parlor (aight?)
Tonya, Diane, Lori and Carla (okay)
Marina (uhh) Selena (uhh) Katrina (uhh) Sabrina (uhh)
About three Kim's (WHAT?) LaToya, and Tina (WHOO!)
Shelley, Bridget, Cavi, Rasheeda (uh-huh)
Kelly, Nicole, Angel, Juanita (damn!)
Stacy, Tracie, Rohna, and Ronda (WHAT?)
Donna, Ulanda (WHAT?) Tawana, and Wanda (WHAT?)
were all treated fairly but yet and still
bitches is on some other shit now that I'm fuckin wit Dru Hill
But I'ma keep it real (WHAT?)
What the fuck you want from a nigga? (c'mon)
What the fuck you want from a nigga? (c'mon)
What these bitches want from a nigga?
What you want.. (what you want)
What these bitches want from a nigga?
Really want..
What these bitches want from a nigga?
I've been keepin you up on it
Bling bling'n, on that jewelry girl I bought it
What these bitches want from a nigga?
Aiyyo, tell me what you want from me
Baby tell me what you want from me!
(So what you want?)
Aiyyo, I think about when a nigga didn't have (YEAH)
and a nigga told a joke, and the bitches didn't laugh
See now I do the math, I see if you got this
and this and this to some cats, that nigga's the shit (aight?)
And that's all they fuckin with, but see these bitches don't know
If these bitches ain't for real, these bitches don't go
Knock on door, no show, I'm sleep tryin to creep
wit yo' best friend, put it in, dig deep
X let me talk to em for a minute
Oooohhh I know I know it's so hard to be
a victim of my reality
Heard you callin me names, said I was trife
One thing you gotta know, I'ma be a nigga for life
Ooooooooooh yeahhhhhhhhh yeahhhh
Oahahohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
What these bitches want from a nigga?
What you want.. (what you want)
What these bitches want from a nigga?
Really want..
What these bitches want from a nigga?
I've been keepin you up on it
Bling bling'n, on that jewelry girl I bought it
What these bitches want from a nigga?
Aiyyo, tell me what you want from me
Baby tell me what you want from me!
(So what you want?)
What these bitches want from a nigga?
What you want.. (what you want)
What these bitches want from a nigga?
Really want..
What these bitches want from a nigga?
I've been keepin you up on it
Bling bling'n, on that jewelry girl I bought it
What these bitches want from a nigga?
Aiyyo, tell me what you want from me
Baby tell me what you want from me!
©Hardcore Productions™